being transparent

I can’t say being honest because sometimes, like most of us, I lie to myself, however I try to be open so that you can really see me . . . flaws as well as strengths.

Now that I am a Creative Leisure Consultant (my fees come in the form of some good wine and cheese at this point in my career) I am grappling with issues and those aforementioned flaws on a full-time basis.  By the time I have them sussed I’ll be able to charge wine, cheese AND crackers as a koha (donation) for my services!

Seriously though, I don’t know what I want to do when I grow up and I’ve had several attempts to grow up . . .  sometimes life events have given me a nudge or a good kick but inside, I still feel like a gauche 11-year-old going on 66-year-old sometimes.

So the questions is, because I know you want to hear the wisdom of my vast experience with this conundrum, what do I do about it?  I embrace it!  It’s a bit shortsighted to reject parts of yourself isn’t it?  I mean to say . . . here I am with almost 66 years experience at living in this big wide world and I reject a 11-year-old aspect of myself?  That 11-year-old had more creativity in her little finger than I have in all of mine!  Sure mine are more skilled perhaps and my logical brain can team up with the creative part and problem-solve extremely well but she was freer, braver, less inhibited.

So I sent in the Wise Crone to stand alongside and tell her that she can take life one day at a time, she can try anything she wants, she can step out in any direction because she’s going to have a strength not available to many . . . she will be versatile.

My first commission was to draw a picture for a boy in my class . . . it was a girl in an Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini and no, there was no actual payment but I was 11 and I did feel special and that was a very rare feeling for me around that time.

Since then I’ve been asked to make all sorts of things from painted flower pots, vinyl sheriff jackets, beaded macrame dog leads (must make one for Rosie) to Raggedy Andy-type dolls and I sold them as well to fund Christmas presents for my children.

Do you see a pattern here?  They are useful, they were marketed . . . however the thing that gave me the most satisfaction was the drawing of a girl in a bikini.

So I tell that gauche girl to hang on to that joyous feeling, hone her skills, her talent will always be there to be utilised in any way she chooses.  It will be always be there and will be fed by world travels, relationships and ideas from out of left field.  She won’t always have to think of usefulness or marketability.  And the main thing that will undermine her talent is her own criticism of herself.  I tell her to simultaneously to harden up and to be vulnerable . . . to be real . . . to be a gentle warrior!

Kia Kaha Wendy is what I say . . . Stand Strong!

I am trying to stand strong and it isn’t always easy.

Rosie: my new, shy, little sheltie who has perfect manners.

Rosie: my new, shy, little sheltie who has perfect manners.

4 thoughts on “being transparent

  1. We can be our own worst enemies can’t we? Self-doubt! Like you I haven’t really decided what I want to do when I grow up. But me-thinks something less stressful and more fun than what I am currently doing. Some of the things I really enjoy my aging body won’t permit! I can no longer run; I love to run! I consider myself as a periphial socialite, happy to mingle but happier to be on the outside doing my own thing…sometimes looking in on what others are doing. I enjoy having company as long as it is not obtrusive company. Our Electronic world are the deterrents to my creativity, I need to turn these off so I can do! It is still winter so SAD me hibernates until Spring hits. At times I would like to have the freedom you now have, envious feelings come to the fore. Is that a tint of green I see in the mirror?

    • I’m starting to thnk of creative weekend for people who work the week . . . come on a Friday evening, there’s a warm bed and food, bring your materials and some wine and stay until Sunday. It’s an open invitation for us to learn from one another.

  2. Wendy, oh, I’d love to come for a creative weekend … however distance prevents me from doing that. The longer I’m “free” of full time work, the more I embrace “possibilities”. I no longer feel guilty for taking the day to just wander around, flit from thing to thing, with nothing to “show” for it. We are still in “doing” mode … which is understandable after years and years results-oriented focus. “Being” mode is a new one … at least for me. And I’m beginning to enjoy it.

    • I had a pang the other day as I had nothng to show for it . . . and then I thought about what I had done and realised I did: I finished a novel as I sat in the warm while there was raging wind and rain outside. Decadence is a good thing and we deserve to have some.

      And maybe, when I visit the USA next year, we can have a weekend. In our case, it can be any day of the week we like!

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