I was aware of an earlier BFO (a Blinding Flash of the Obvious) being brought to my attention once more – it was around a line in a meditation that went ‘each day passes whether you participate or not’, Deng Min-Dao, 365 Meditations.
Let me tell you, I think far too much. Sometimes I write just to see where it will lead me and it helps to quiet everything down. You see I’m an ideas person my mid is constantly in top gear and I like this about myself. My ideas are often creative approaches to problem solving or for unusual projects – I have far more ideas than I can possibly carry out. Or could I? That’s the thing, that perhaps I could and just don’t because of why? Because of fear? Of what? Of my own criticism? That it won’t be perfect? That because it may not be ‘useful’ it is of no use? These questions plague me, they stymie me and stay me from action on all but the simplest of projects – the ones I know I can do immediately or in one sitting. I need to break out and try something completely new. Completely new.
I have an idea of how I would like my life to be. There I am in my house, light, open, airy, spacious rooms suited to their purpose. Not making do and wanting something better, it’s simple and well planned. Sunshine, a garden with flowers and vegetables, trees for shade. Or rain beating on the roof, the wind howling outside, a cosy fire and music.
And what am I doing in this environment? I’m . . . I cannot quite see what I’m doing. I think I’d like to be making, creating, painting, sewing . . . all for pleasure. But there you go, I’m not certain what I want to be doing. I know I’d be gardening, talking and eating with friends, relaxing and reading, but with hands busy making things in a workshop/studio that spills over into the rest of the house which sounds pretty much what happens now because the ‘studio’ is more of a large cupboard for storage. But if I’m too scared to start doing what I think I’d like to be doing, and don’t really know what it is anyway what hope is there for me? I don’t want to grow old with too many regrets and I’m afraid that if I don’t start now I will – but I do believe I have started by just confronting the issue. One thing I do know is that I won’t be doing one thing – I’d get bored . . . I think.
Is that what those dreams are about, where I am using my last ounce of strength to save myself and knowing I should care more for myself so I’ll be stronger? Where I know that I am entering last-chance territory? You know the dreams, out there on the rocks, the tide is coming in, have to get back to shore.
To continue I need to look at what I have and think about William Glasser’s three Choice Theory/Reality Therapy questions.
- What do I want?
- What am I doing to get it?
- Is it working?
I need to make a plan – and I do not need to get everything done and dusted, completed, out of the way (of what you might ask), to make all perfect before I start because if I start all will be perfect, unpredictably perfect. I need to not wait until I have a definitive answer to question 1.
All those photos that need to be sorted, that ephemera from my travels including the 110+ boarding passes, the family photos and family tree – they can be part of it.
I can work out what I cannot move on without doing (finish painting the laundry and bathroom for a start). Do it and move on simultaneously – the rest can wait or go. Moving on fearfully is better than staying stuck. Oh, that’s a BFO!
Dream the I’m possible dream. Trite but true.