a birthday

Why is it that I leave things to the last minute?  I leave tasks I don’t really want to do until my dreams are invaded in a most unwelcome manner.  And it’s not as if I’m doing anything enjoyable while I procrastinate; I deprive myself of pleasure until I have completed what needs to be done – except perhaps for a walk along the beach.   On Sunday it was relatively crowded with 21 people, Monday, just 4 and a dog.  Who among you can resist the call of the sea?

Sunday, October 6th 2012 facing east.

Monday, October 8th 2012 facing west towards the Tararua Range

So Monday was a little different in the procrastination department – I wanted to make a card for my grand-daughter’s 8th birthday so I gave over the entire afternoon to the pleasure of making it.  I started with a cereal box, gesso, some paint, the sheet music to Climb Every Mountain (it seemed apt) and pens.  The time slipped by and I suddenly realised I was ravenous.  Yesterday, Tuesday, was the party and today . . . oh today I need to do some day-job work.  Never be confused about educators just swanning off for the entirety their holidays; there is always, always some work to do before the term starts.

Now, time for a walk along the beach before lunch . . . just checking to see if the mouth of the stream changed course yet again and what’s come in on the tide.

a BFO strikes again!

I was aware of an earlier BFO (a Blinding Flash of the Obvious) being brought to my attention once more – it was around a line in a meditation that went ‘each day passes whether you participate or not’, Deng Min-Dao, 365 Meditations.

Let me tell you, I think far too much.  Sometimes I write just to see where it will lead me and it helps to quiet everything down.  You see I’m an ideas person my mid is constantly in top gear and I like this about myself.  My ideas are often creative approaches to problem solving or for unusual projects – I have far more ideas than I can possibly carry out.  Or could I?  That’s the thing, that perhaps I could and just don’t because of why?  Because of fear?  Of what?  Of my own criticism?  That it won’t be perfect?  That because it may not be ‘useful’ it is of no use?  These questions plague me, they stymie me and stay me from action on all but the simplest of projects – the ones I know I can do immediately or in one sitting.  I need to break out and try something completely new.  Completely new.

I have an idea of how I would like my life to be.  There I am in my house, light, open, airy, spacious rooms suited to their purpose.  Not making do and wanting something better, it’s simple and well planned.  Sunshine, a garden with flowers and vegetables, trees for shade.  Or rain beating on the roof, the wind howling outside, a cosy fire and music.

And what am I doing in this environment?  I’m . . . I cannot quite see what I’m doing.  I think I’d like to be making, creating, painting, sewing . . . all for pleasure.  But there you go, I’m not certain what I want to be doing.  I know I’d be gardening, talking and eating with friends, relaxing and reading, but with hands busy making things in a workshop/studio that spills over into the rest of the house which sounds pretty much what happens now because the ‘studio’ is more of a large cupboard for storage.  But if I’m too scared to start doing what I think I’d like to be doing, and don’t really know what it is anyway what hope is there for me?  I don’t want to grow old with too many regrets and I’m afraid that if I don’t start now I will – but I do believe I have started by just confronting the issue.  One thing I do know is that I won’t be doing one thing – I’d get bored . . . I think.

Is that what those dreams are about, where I am using my last ounce of strength to save myself and knowing I should care more for myself so I’ll be stronger?  Where I know that I am entering last-chance territory?   You know the dreams, out there on the rocks, the tide is coming in, have to get back to shore.

To continue I need to look at what I have and think about William Glasser’s three Choice Theory/Reality Therapy questions.

1.  What do I want?
2. What am I doing to get it?
3. Is it working?

I need to make a plan – and I do not need to get everything done and dusted, completed, out of the way (of what you might ask), to make all perfect before I start because if I start all will be perfect, unpredictably perfect.  I need to not wait until I have a definitive answer to question 1.

All those photos that need to be sorted, that ephemera from my travels including the 110+ boarding passes, the family photos and family tree – they can be part of it.

I can work out what I cannot move on without doing (finish painting the laundry and bathroom for a start).  Do it and move on simultaneously – the rest can wait or go.  Moving on fearfully is better than staying stuck.  Oh, that’s a BFO!

Dream the I’m possible dream.   Trite but true.

the back burner

Do you refer to half-finished projects as being on the back burner?   I’ve been thinking about this saying recently, one reason being that I’m going back to work full-time in a demanding but satisfying job so I will need to put aside some of the creative ventures that take up my time and ideas I have for the near future.

To me, when something is one the back burner, it’s simmering, reducing to a wonderful, savoury, taste delight where flavours combine to make something wonderous.

I visited a glass factory in Yangon Myanmar where rejects were put out under the trees – definitely on the back-burner!  Eventually everything would be recycled.  The place sparkled in the sunshine and looked for all the world like an Aladdin’s cave full of treasure. 

My friends and I were invited to look for anything we might want – it was like a treasure hunt.    I bought a large, wonderfully lop-sided, bowl and a number of small paper weights.

When things are laid aside, it’s not necessarily the end for them.  Partially finished projects, plans or ideas can be refined, redesigned and invested with new life – they’ll wait for you.

procrastination

I thought my procrastinating was all done but it wasn’t – is it ever?

I thought to myself, it’s almost time for lunch so I’ll just wash the salt off the windows then eat so I won’t find myself starving at 3:00pm.  Living at the beach it gets to the point where you can hardly see out!   I am to be congratulated for cleaning them all on the inside as well – if someone even so much as looks sideways at them they’ll be given the white vinegar solution and some newspaper!

Lunch – go outside and pick a fresh acid-free tomato and some basil.  Can you go into the garden and not pull a few weeds?  Now the entire (albeit small) vegetable garden is weeded and I’m thinking about what to plant in the space left by the lettuces that had bolted.

Lunchtime – avocado, tomato and basil on toast – will an avocado tree grow here?   Research of whether an avocado can withstand salt winds is done and the answer is, probably not.  What will I plant?  Broad beans, carrots, beetroot and some lettuce seedlings.

The postie (mailman) went past while I was eating so I collected the mail, read my new contact for work but drew the line at filling in some forms.  The idea that I would be working full-time somehow that triggered the thought that I have some air-points about to expire so I rang Thai Airways in Auckland to find out where I can go – I need to top up 2,000 points and then I can go to a Pacific Island.

Checked emails after I looked up the number for Thai Airways – there was a reminder that Paul Phillips was about to go live on U Stream so I decided to watch and do some knitting. That way I wouldn’t feel guilty about not cutting some patches for the quilt.

No Paula for some reason so no knitting – I’m writing this instead!

It’s now almost 2:30 hours since the earlier post so I better pull finger and start cutting!

And that, my friends, is another reason this is called Late Start Studio!