sitting with my demons

I envisaged this page complete and just did it . . . no procrastination or consideration about the time or materials, I just picked up the nearest pencil and drew.   The whole page was there, a visual BFO (Blinding Flash of the Obvious)  in my head . . . or is that my heart?Sitting with our demons

I think perhaps that our demons are nothing more than our hurts child selves, that if we sit beside them and listen quietly we would be able to understand and help them to heal. 

Wouldn’t we all do that for a child? 

Why not ourselves?

Let me in.

Let me help . . . please?

welcome rain

It rained for the first time in what seems like weeks yesterday, and again today.  So what? You might well ask.

New Zealand lamb and dairy products, New Zealand wines, all world-class, all contributing to this small corner of the world’s wealth . . . we began building this country and made a name with primary produce, farmers are known as ‘the backbone of the country’ and we have a clean, green image, although in reality we’re probably no greener than many other places.  Perhaps we’re a little greener though in that our native forests are  predominantly evergreen.

But I digress.  The entire North Island and much of the South is experiencing a drought, a severe drought that has everyone saving water.  There are often water restrictions through the summer however in Wellington the situation is such that there is a ban on all outdoor water use . . . no watering your garden, washing your car or windows, filling the kids paddling pool.  So the rain is very welcome even though it isn’t nearly enough.  This satellite picture, courtesy of NASA shows how parched the land is.

Satellite images from March 2012 (L) and March 2013 (R) show significant browning across the North Island. Photo / NASA

 Our lives can have their own droughts too.  It may be time, affection, money, but all, hopefully, temporary situations that will be relieved eventually – harsh circumstances are easier to accept when there is an end in sight.

Sometimes I feel as if I don’t have the time to do what I’d like to do and my weekends could be regarded as ‘drought relief’ as I relax with my family, catch up with friends, or work on some creative project.  Recently I have been making some pencil cases out of hand painted canvas.

I borrowed Canvas Remix by Alisa Burke from the library and started to play . . . with a little help. I used canvas fabric, acrylic paints, an old credit card and stencils – there’s still some more to sew up.  I even made a label for my laptop bag.

Each piece will make 2 pencil cases. I did 2, and the others were done by my granddaughters aged 8 and 4 . . . I defy you to guess who did which ones!

Drought broken!

another late start?

When I read Natasha White’s Grand Declaration post today on Define Your Joy, I realised that if I didn’t want to start slipping backwards I needed to start moving forwards again . . . marking time is not an option!

I was lent a copy of The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron a few years back and couldn’t read it, it didn’t seem to be what I needed at the time but later, I borrowed the book from the library and then eventually bought a copy.  Writing the morning pages works for me: they help sort out my head, help me focus on what’s important and head me off on the right direction for the day.  It is in this journal that I started to realise that I could dream and that those dreams are attainable.

So why is the book such a difficult read for me?  God has something to do with it – and there’s quite a bit of God in there.   You see when this God with a capital G turns up and is referred to as ‘He’ I have to do all these complex transformations to fit it to my beliefs and quite frankly it gets in the way sometimes.  You see I don’t believe in the ‘God’ I grew up with, I don’t believe in an interventionist god, but I do believe in the power of love and hope, and I do believe in the connection of all things and that we are just a small part of everything.   I do not believe humans have any superiority, nor that one faith is, nor I am more important that any other form of life – I believe in positive interdependence.   And while I’m at it, I believe I’m here just to be uniquely, lovingly me . . . that’s all.

And then there is the cultural divide – the book’s written by an American and I’m not one . . . I’m a down-to-earth New Zealander and it all needs to be taken into account.  It can be somewhat exhausting really.

So why am I wrestling with this book again?  Because having already found something of value there, I want to dig a little deeper and see what other gems I might find. I aim to respect my skills and talents more, to honour my Self.  I’ll let you know if and why I give up trying to read it again – and what the gems might be.

When I started this blog, I hoped to demonstrate, primarily to women in their 60s, who had put their creative dreams on the back-burner, who had eaten the burnt chop and given the best to everyone else at the table (sometimes literally), that it is never to late to find what you want to do and go out and explore – I just have to want to enough . . . enough to enter uncharted waters and create my own map.

So when I pass this vine-covered tree on my way to work each day, I’ll imagine that it is waving to the other motorists and me and saying, “Off you go, be yourself, be happy.”

The Greeting Tree

Natasha made a pledge, to blog about The Artist’s Way each week.  My pledge is to just blog at least weekly from now – a bit of whimsy (like the tree), some mucking around, and perhaps an insight or two – what ever takes my fancy.

Thanks for stopping by.    Ka kite ano au i a koe . . . I’ll see you again!

 

back at work this week

Much as I like my colleagues, and as challenging and satisfying as my work can be, the skies are forecast to be blue all week.   Can anyone tell me why this seems to always be the case?     Probably for the same reason that the summers I recall from my childhood were always sunny every single day – a selective memory!     The question I was asking myself over a leisurely breakfast in the sun last Sunday morning was, how do I retain the contentment that seeped deep into my bones during the summer break?

A ‘busy’ day on the beach – there were only a dozen or so people in the opposite direction..

Face up to the sun,
Listen . . . cicadas, birds, surf.
Breathe deep, in and out.

At the turn of breath,
The moment of peace, stillness.
Breathe deep, in, and out.

Feel the air flowing,
Soft turbulence, soothing, peace.
Breathe deep, breathe, content.

un-shelving and 3 insights before lunch

Un-shelving is a word, because I just used it.  My blog had been deliberately laid aside, shelved, for a further two months for no reason other than I chose to do so . . . and that should be good enough.  It’s not that I’ve been busier than usual, unwell or not creating anything, it’s just that I make choices to (pretty much) suit myself and being able to do that is one of my most basic needs.

What I need in my life are very simple things: people I love and respect; peace and tranquility within; play, the activity when I get lost in the moment, is essential to my wellbeing; being productive whether at work or play is immensely satisfying to me; and power, the power to make choices.  These are my 5 Ps and I have been thinking a great deal about them over the past couple of months . . . well, years longer if truth be told.  Maybe I will blog some more about each . . . are you interested?

I could have blogged about the pohutukawa tree in my garden that burst forth in blossom in time for Christmas . . . the art I have created . . . work inspired by Diana Trout on 21 Secrets, call it emulating or copying if you will, I really admire her style – it was wonderful so I signed up to 21 Secrets 2013 (check out all the amazing tutors) over at Dirty Footprints Studio. the beach treasure that has been found and the creativity it inspired . . . the forgotten potatoes, desperate to grow . . . the 20,000 bees that thought the bench seat at my front door would make a great hive . . . my holiday visitors . . . or even my new flagpole – you simple cannot live at the beach and not have one.  The flag represents the five elements and I brought it back from one of my visits to Hanoi . . .. . . however I didn’t.  I chose to take a break and today, with the sun shining, cicada’s chirping and sound of the surf in the background, I have chosen to resume blogging partly as a response to thought-provoking blogs such as Quinn McDonald’s. 

I keep a journal, mostly writing, very personal and occasionally a blog or the journal itself will throw up a quote I want to use as a leaping off point for creativity or just to ponder and write another page.   Today I was reading the comments on Quinn’s blog entitled Speaking Up For Your Own Sake, the comments are always worthwhile. There was a quote from Meg Hess, “you can tell the helped by the hunted look in their eyes” and it made me think of how I hope to respond, both personally and professionally.  My success is variable.

And Violette Clark’s blog today had me thinking about balance and the struggle, that perhaps most of us have, in retaining our equilibrium.   Personally I think there is a lot to be said for shaking it up occasionally.

So, my three insights or BFOs (Blinding Flashes of the Obvious) before lunch?

1. Helping is something I try not to do, even when asked, as I believe the most valuable thing I can do is to make a space where they can help themselves.
2. I respect my body: we’ve been through a lot together.
3. Just like a tightrope walker . . . getting the wobbles is fine as long as you know where your centre is.

So there you are . . . I’m back, how often I have no way of knowing.  Sometimes daily, but I doubt it.   Maybe weekly?  It will be irregular and although I’d like to say I’ll provide X posts a week and have a particular focus, that isn’t me.   Yes, there’ll be links to interesting blogs and inspriational TED talks, yes, I’ll posts about my delightful granddaughters, yes, creative endeavours and insights and, goodness knows what else . . . I just don’t like being boxed in.   My need for freedom of choice is way too high!  Ah, the power to choose!

I am content with myself at this point in time.

I’m still here

I know . . . it’s been forever and I will explain it a little but just not this morning.  This is the teaser:

If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading – Lao Tzu

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined – Henry David Thoreau

Put your ear down to your heart and listen hard – Anne Sexton (via Quinn McDonald)

Each is true and each is what I am thinking about . . . as well as working full-time and spending an extra 2.5 hours a day commuting in my car.

A recycled jersey, now a dress for my granddaughter – a little hand-sewing (so unlike me) and thinking (too much like me)

Now . . . I’ll be late for work!

a birthday

Why is it that I leave things to the last minute?  I leave tasks I don’t really want to do until my dreams are invaded in a most unwelcome manner.  And it’s not as if I’m doing anything enjoyable while I procrastinate; I deprive myself of pleasure until I have completed what needs to be done – except perhaps for a walk along the beach.   On Sunday it was relatively crowded with 21 people, Monday, just 4 and a dog.  Who among you can resist the call of the sea?

Sunday, October 6th 2012 facing east.

Monday, October 8th 2012 facing west towards the Tararua Range

So Monday was a little different in the procrastination department – I wanted to make a card for my grand-daughter’s 8th birthday so I gave over the entire afternoon to the pleasure of making it.  I started with a cereal box, gesso, some paint, the sheet music to Climb Every Mountain (it seemed apt) and pens.  The time slipped by and I suddenly realised I was ravenous.  Yesterday, Tuesday, was the party and today . . . oh today I need to do some day-job work.  Never be confused about educators just swanning off for the entirety their holidays; there is always, always some work to do before the term starts.

Now, time for a walk along the beach before lunch . . . just checking to see if the mouth of the stream changed course yet again and what’s come in on the tide.

a bold move on my birthday

One of the main reasons for returning to New Zealand after almost 7 years of living overseas, was to be in my own home again.  In NZ, home ownership is almost part of who we are, an aspiration we all share, and like everywhere else it’s becoming a more difficult goal to achieve.   Very few Kiwis rent by choice, we want our own place, traditionally, our own 1/4 acre of paradise although most sections are much smaller now.

I have a home at the beach – good luck, good management, whatever – I have it and I love it.  So despite having made this little mid-week rental quite homely I have decided I would rather drive an hour and a bit to work each day and sleep in my own bed, lulled by the sounds of the surf as opposed to the roar of the trains.

So even though the view this Spring morning was stunning and I have made this place as ‘mine’ as I can – I am going home.

While this is a delight to see first thing in the morning, I’d rather wake up to this at my door . . . .It’s whitebait season and until you’ve had a whitebait fritter, you haven’t had one of the most delicious, simple, taste delights ever!  It must be local though – no Chinese whitebait ever tasted the same.

I’ve decided, on this brilliant blue-sky day, my birthday, I have decided.  It is closer to what I want and even just one step closer is better than where I am!

empathy, encouragement and perseverance

Without perverance, nothing will come of my efforts – I’ve been receiving that message loud and clear from many quarters.   Take a step, stumble, fall down, get up, take two steps, trip, fall down, get up . . . . no baby ever gave up on learning to walk!

Encouragement to take the next step is a sure-fire way to get anyone to move on to that next step so thanks for the comments yesterday everyone.    And talking of next steps, watch this little clip One Thousand Steps . . . maybe it should be required daily viewing for me for a while, like medication.    Maybe, because my 4 year-old grand-daughter loves it and watches it when she stays at my house has something to do with my readiness to take on some changes.

Encouragement can come from any quarter, but if I don’t publicise my efforts only I can provide it and that nasty inner critic needs some competition – easy solution, be brave and don’t hide.

Enjoy the clip, it will only take 2:19 of you life.

In her Harvard commencement speech J. K. Rowling said, “There is an expiry date on blaming your parents for steering you in the wrong direction.  The moment you are old enough to take the wheel, responsibility lies with you.’  Now along with parents, I think you can lump in teachers, friends, society in general.   Watch/listen if you have 21 minutes to spare while you play at something on your workbench she talks of the value of failure and imagination – it’s full of humour, wisdom and inspiring.

Another quote from Rowling who knows failure first hand and used it to create a magical world and turned millions on to reading for pleasure . . . “It’s impossible to live without some failure unless you live so cautiously that you might not have lived at all, in which case you fail by default.”

So what’s the worst that could happen if I leave the well-worn path?  I could trip over . . . and I have the strength to get up because around me I have wonderful friends and family.

My inspiration . . . a 2 year-old who continues to explore off the established pathways for the sheer joy of it.   May it last for life!

Imagine a big smile here please.

a BFO strikes again!

I was aware of an earlier BFO (a Blinding Flash of the Obvious) being brought to my attention once more – it was around a line in a meditation that went ‘each day passes whether you participate or not’, Deng Min-Dao, 365 Meditations.

Let me tell you, I think far too much.  Sometimes I write just to see where it will lead me and it helps to quiet everything down.  You see I’m an ideas person my mid is constantly in top gear and I like this about myself.  My ideas are often creative approaches to problem solving or for unusual projects – I have far more ideas than I can possibly carry out.  Or could I?  That’s the thing, that perhaps I could and just don’t because of why?  Because of fear?  Of what?  Of my own criticism?  That it won’t be perfect?  That because it may not be ‘useful’ it is of no use?  These questions plague me, they stymie me and stay me from action on all but the simplest of projects – the ones I know I can do immediately or in one sitting.  I need to break out and try something completely new.  Completely new.

I have an idea of how I would like my life to be.  There I am in my house, light, open, airy, spacious rooms suited to their purpose.  Not making do and wanting something better, it’s simple and well planned.  Sunshine, a garden with flowers and vegetables, trees for shade.  Or rain beating on the roof, the wind howling outside, a cosy fire and music.

And what am I doing in this environment?  I’m . . . I cannot quite see what I’m doing.  I think I’d like to be making, creating, painting, sewing . . . all for pleasure.  But there you go, I’m not certain what I want to be doing.  I know I’d be gardening, talking and eating with friends, relaxing and reading, but with hands busy making things in a workshop/studio that spills over into the rest of the house which sounds pretty much what happens now because the ‘studio’ is more of a large cupboard for storage.  But if I’m too scared to start doing what I think I’d like to be doing, and don’t really know what it is anyway what hope is there for me?  I don’t want to grow old with too many regrets and I’m afraid that if I don’t start now I will – but I do believe I have started by just confronting the issue.  One thing I do know is that I won’t be doing one thing – I’d get bored . . . I think.

Is that what those dreams are about, where I am using my last ounce of strength to save myself and knowing I should care more for myself so I’ll be stronger?  Where I know that I am entering last-chance territory?   You know the dreams, out there on the rocks, the tide is coming in, have to get back to shore.

To continue I need to look at what I have and think about William Glasser’s three Choice Theory/Reality Therapy questions.

1.  What do I want?
2. What am I doing to get it?
3. Is it working?

I need to make a plan – and I do not need to get everything done and dusted, completed, out of the way (of what you might ask), to make all perfect before I start because if I start all will be perfect, unpredictably perfect.  I need to not wait until I have a definitive answer to question 1.

All those photos that need to be sorted, that ephemera from my travels including the 110+ boarding passes, the family photos and family tree – they can be part of it.

I can work out what I cannot move on without doing (finish painting the laundry and bathroom for a start).  Do it and move on simultaneously – the rest can wait or go.  Moving on fearfully is better than staying stuck.  Oh, that’s a BFO!

Dream the I’m possible dream.   Trite but true.